This post is my observations; I won’t be providing a lot of citations or proofs for what I am saying. If you’d like such details, feel free to comment, and I’ll write up a more citation-focused post to provide additional, external resources and Biblical foundations for my conclusions, as I have studied it, but today’s post is meant to be more informal.

I started observing parenting in my childhood. At a young age, I knew I wanted to be a Dad. By my teens, I realized I had an immense opportunity, right in front of me, to observe what parents did and how my teenage friends responded. So, I fought to objectively observe and to hear from both sides whenever possible.

I had my own kids, and I began to out to work many of my observations. However, some good friends contributed a nugget I’d never observed and just had to take; what you expect outside the home must first start within the home! To put it more generally, what one desires to be one’s characteristics when one is with others must start being practiced when one is alone. In this world, with its constant message that there’s a private life and a public life and never the ‘twain shall meet, this is a mind altering truth!

About 10 years ago, I got a dog, and the amazing dog he was, I took him to training. The trainer made a point, early on, that what I expected my dog to do when I was not present starts by teaching him when I am present. It was this same principle, but turned toward a dog.

As an example, if one doesn’t want one’s dog to eat food off the counter, one starts by teaching him/her that there’s a reward when they don’t eat food on the counter. Their restraint is rewarded. Then, s/he must wait longer for the reward, and as that time is increased, the dog learn me to not eat off the counter without his/her owner around. (If you’re offended by the term “owner,” I am sorry that offends you; in this context, an owner is one with responsibility for a given thing. Ownership should never be viewed as a license to abuse or exploit a thing. Ownership is a responsibility; hence, I prefer that term here.)

This applies, as alluded to above, to so many aspects of life. If a man desires to treat women well, he must do so in his own mind. If a woman desires to be a woman of integrity, she must choose to integrity even when no one is looking, when no one will ever find out, or when she thinks the circumstance only affects her. If parents want their kids to be self-controlled, they must teach them at home, first. The private area of life becomes the training ground, not the free range, and the public area becomes the proof of the work done in training.

But if you always expect kids to be on their best behavior, they’ll rebel, won’t they? It depends on how you teach them! Let’s take this to my favorite analogy, the Saturn V rocket!

If one tries to contain the force of an F1 engine (the rocket, not the car), one will quickly find that containment breached. But if you don’t put any boundaries on a F1 engine, it’ll burned the world around it with no actual benefit. The force of that engine is such that there must be some boundaries, a containment that funnels that force into a proper use.

Similarly, children are powerful rocket engines. With proper boundaries, those engines will lift them into the heavens. With improper boundaries, disaster and destruction will be the result. Unlike the rocket engine, human beings are capable of establishing new boundaries. So, children are capable of developing their own boundaries.

Yet, if the child has never been taught proper boundaries, then how is s/he to determine such boundaries? Like putting boundaries in a flooded river, it’s much simpler to open flood gates than it is to close them. Similarly, in the best of cases, they will find wise advisors and establish good boundaries. Sadly, in the worst of circumstances, they will refuse any boundaries, burning the world around. In most cases, it falls somewhere in between, with much destruction before good boundaries are established. When this is considered, it becomes clear that it is more loving to establish boundaries and teach self-control to our children rather than allowing the damage of the opposite.

Maybe this is too high a level, though. What does one mean by not restraining children lest they rebel? Perhaps, this one is thinking of over-restraining children. If one expects a child to act like an adult, then I think that’s asking a bit much; the child is capable, with teasing, of restraining his/her self, but s/he is still a child and has energy to let go of.

Everyone, most living things, need a chance to go run, roll around in the grass, get dirty, or rest for a while. We all know the person who needs to dance when they close a big sale, or the person who needs to take a walk to solve the problem their working on, and most people benefit from rest, whether a power nap or a good night’s rest. This isn’t about treating people or living things as machines. It is about recognizing that life needs boundariesz

More than that, it’s about recognizing that what is done in secret will eventually be known. If one is secretly harboring angry thoughts toward someone, then that person is going to react coldly, speak harshly, or otherwise act harmfully toward the subject of one’s anger. However, if one works to always forgive others, even when the other(s) will never know, then when some such person is encountered, the forgiving spirit of the one will be felt.

In conclusion, this all started with me realizing that so much in life must start in the unseen. It’s not as much about my son acting out in public as it is what I have taught him in private. It’s not as much about hoping my daughter will behave when she’s with friends as it is about whether I have taught her to get along with others when she’s is in more private settings.

One more thought, before I wrap this up: what if one only has one child? How does one facilitate this private training in that situation? Oh yes! A good question! My recommendation is to find like-minded friends and arrange play-dates to allow both children to interact and display what they’ve learned. But it also goes back to how one teaches one’s children by example and in regard to how the child/children approach the parent; parents are the first authority in children’s lives. If they listen to us, they’ll do well. If they learned to respectfully engage with us, they’ll do even better. But if one teaches them to view one’s self as a dictator or authoritarian, then the child/children will be harmed by this relationship structure and it will impair his/her future. It is worthy to ask one’s self, “would I want my child to do this?” Or “will this give my child a better or worse chance in the future?”

What one does in secret will one day be displayed for all, and in some cases, much sooner than one would expect! Be men and women who are wholly and consistent (and wholly consistent)!

Godspeed! – 1 Cor. 15:10